Yesterday morning, I was met with one of those moments every foster or adoptive parent knows can take your breath away. Our 7-year-old daughter was in a full-blown meltdown. While those moments have become much less frequent because of how much healing she’s experienced, this one was different. In the middle of her anger, she shouted, “YOU ARE NOT MY MOM… AND YOU NEVER WILL BE.”

For a moment, I was caught off guard. If you’ve parented a child from hard places, you know that when they’re overwhelmed, words can become their greatest weapon. They aren’t always speaking from truth, they’re speaking from hurt, fear, and a dysregulated nervous system. Instead of reacting, I paused. There wasn’t space for a conversation in that moment. We simply continued getting everyone out the door. A little later, after she had regulated, she was laughing, smiling, and telling me how much she loved me. That’s when I knew she was finally able to hear me.

Later that day, after praying about how to approach the conversation, I gently brought it back up. I told her, “I know you were really angry this morning. Sometimes when we’re angry, we say things we don’t truly mean.” Then I looked at her and said, “You know what? You’re right. You do have a birth mom… and I am also your mother. Both of those things can be true.” Then I reminded her of something I hope she carries with her for the rest of her life: “There is nothing you can say that will ever make me stop being your mom.”

Children from hard places don’t just need correction. They need adults who are willing to stay. Who aren’t intimidated by the words spoken from their pain. Who can see beyond the behavior and respond to the need underneath it.

Sometimes the greatest healing happens not because we had the perfect words… But because we chose connection over reaction.

Foster and adoptive mama, if you’ve ever had painful words thrown your way, don’t forget this: Your child’s hardest words are not always their deepest truth.